I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
