saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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