Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
