In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
