I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
