now i know why i became what i already was.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my being single is dangerous.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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