dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Hippo gnu deer
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Randomize
