Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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