Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize