i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you will always have a special place in my vag
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
