I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
