Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
