I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
