I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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