I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
