Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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