i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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