youre lurking in front of me
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
