I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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