Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
