Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
