i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
