Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
