My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
