My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
