a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
