I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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