she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
