dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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