She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
