she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
