and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
