do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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