U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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