did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
