How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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