I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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