Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Randomize
