Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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