I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
