remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
she peed on how many people?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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