i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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