FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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