my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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