I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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