I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
