I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
