shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
