life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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