Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
