I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
try to milk me bitch
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
