all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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