I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
