i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
