Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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