I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
