I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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