Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
